You Call This a Staff Meeting?
by SeulWolfe
Summary: Implied Slash of Severus/Remus:: Who Tops who? Its a staff meeting set during 3rd year. Humor and Crack.. complete!


**Disclaimer:: JK owns it all.. I just play in it.. Lemon drops anyone?**

**Written by SeulWolfe and Morganlefay1958**

_**Remus/Severus and who's on top battle**_

_**GASP! it's a Severus/Remus... **_

**You Call This a Staff Meetin?**

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The staff meeting was boring as usual. Albus was trying to ply everyone with lemon drops, and Minerva was telling the old coot to get on with it.

Filius was squeaking for some reason. Severus rolled his eyes. He'd almost forgotten about the stray hex from the Weasley Twins that morning. They'd been sparring with a couple of Ravenclaws outside the Charms classroom and Filius had exited the room right into the path of that spell. The tiny man sounded like an old Muggle rocking chair every time he moved.

"Ah... here's Remus now," Albus said as he offered the tin of candy to the tawny-haired man.

Remus shook his head and sat down. "Why have you called us together, Headmaster? And at such an odd time."

"I wanted to see how your week has been. Very trying times we are having lately. Very trying indeed..."

Minerva glared, clearly in no mood today for the Headmaster's verbal meanderings. "Albus!" She settled down when Poppy put a hand on her arm.

"The Governors informed me before the school year started that we are to have staff meetings every Friday." Albus smiled and waved his hands. "Said it would bring us closer together."

"Merlin's Bollocks, I need a drink!" Severus muttered.

He was feeling cranky and tired, and in dire need of a shag. It had been much too long. He didn't notice the pale blue twinkling eyes that settled on him for only a moment before going on to another face around the table.

Remus wanted to roll his eyes. "A staff meeting, or a meeting where we talk about our feelings and frustrations?"

"It's the same bloody thing, you idiot Werewolf!" Severus growled from where he sat, sulking in his seat. "We're always talking about how we feel about this place, our jobs, the students... and it's all... frustrating!"

"And who has died and crawled up your arse!" Rolanda snapped, clearly fed up with the long week she'd had.

"Rolanda dear. There's no need--" Pomona began, leaning toward the Flying Instructor.

"Oh yes, there certainly is! Severus is always grousing and whinging about everything. And frankly, I'm tired of listening to it!"

Albus waved his hand toward the door, sending it closed with a Silencing Spell for good measure. It wouldn't do to have one or two straying students eavesdropping.

Hagrid pounded on the table, causing Filius to squeak and jump, and the table and everything on it to rattle. "No need ter yell at tha poor boy!"

Minerva stood up and walked to the side table and grabbed the decanter of Scotch. "Trying? Albus?" She poured a healthy four fingers and threw it back in one gulp. "Dementors! Death Eaters!"

She sat back down next to the matron and slid a second glass to the other woman.

"Longbottom blowing up half of my inventory of cauldrons in less than a week..."

Pomona sputtered and glared at him. "Now see here, Severus! Neville Longbottom is a good student! Why he is my best pu--"

"Anyone can dig in the dirt, 'Mona. But Potion-making. Now that--"

Minerva pinned him with a glare. "Would be a delicate art for more students, if Your Slytherins would stop throwing things into other students' cauldrons and causing explosions!"

"Yes! Quite! They account for almost half the students I see each week in my Infirmary, Severus. You should be ashamed!" Poppy sniffed as she folded her arms and sat back.

Severus glared as he stood and walked around the older women. He reached for the bottle of American Bourbon and a heavy glass, before returning to his seat. He unsealed the bottle and filled the glass half way, tipped it back in one swallow, filled it again, and swallowed that one as well. He looked around at everyone, his teeth grit against the heat of the alcohol as it went down. He was aching for a fight.

"They've made valid points, Severus," Remus said softly. "You favor the Slytherin's and forget that others here at Hogwarts are just as smart and able-minded."

"Oh Stuff it, Lupin!"

Minerva leaned over to Poppy, whispering in her hear. "Maybe if he did, Severus would be in a better mood."

Poppy's eyes widened, and her hand flew to cover her mouth. "Minny!" She gasped as she giggled.

Albus sat back quietly, his hands folded inside his sleeves, watching and listening. Only a slight twitch of his eyes indicated he had heard Minerva's words.

Pomona reached for the wine and passed it around the table. "Maybe if we all got a bit of willy on the side.. then maybe we wouldn't so stressed!"

Rolanda slapped the table. "Now that's the best idea I've heard since we sat down!"

Hagrid turned crimson above his beard. "Beggin' yer pardon. Did ye say ' a bit o' willy', Pomona?"

Minerva smiled crookedly, "Willy. Wingding. Longhorn. Shag. Houghmagandy. Tango between the sheets. Sweaty sheets would even be better."

Rolanda smiled as she drank her whisky, "Sweaty twisted sheets."

Filch stood in the back corner of the room, Mrs. Norris in his arms, as he petted her, his eyes wide as he watched and listened.

"They're all barmy, they are. Completely daft, my Sweet."

He turned when he felt a tug on his sleeve, and a small sherry glass appeared in his line of sight. "Calm down, dearies. I foresaw this and I predict it will be an interesting night."

He looked at the Divination's Professor warily, but accepted the glass. She tapped the edge of hers against it, held it up then drank the deep red fluid down. After he drank his, she offered the decanter for a refill.

No one noticed Sinistra hurry from the room, her cheeks flushed with embarrassment.

With flushed cheeks, Pomona smiled at Severus, "Anyone could have sweaty sheets at night dreaming of your voice. Such a lovely voice. Deep and sexy."

Remus stared at the older woman wide-eyed. "Professor!"

"AND You!" She pointed at him. "You have this sexy swagger about you. The animal magnetism pours off of you in waves!"

Severus transfigured a quill into another heavy glass and slammed it in front of the other man. "I'm not dealing with this alone!"

"Alone?" Pointing at the woman across the table, "She just said I had a sexy swagger!

Severus mumbled something unintelligible into his shot glass as Remus continued.

"Sweaty. Twisted. Sheets!"

"Animal magnetism!"

"And that billowing thing you do, Severus!" Poppy piped in, her face as flushed as the other witches' in the room. "Always sends shivers down my back." She smiled, "Oh yes."

"We', tha Prof'sser does have a righ' nice voice..." Hagrid added thoughtfully, as he clutch a large jug of mead.

" 'Tis always had a calmin' affect on me, it has." Filch mused aloud.

"Quite. In fact I predict..." Sybil began, as Filch filled her glass again.

Remus' eyes widened and he grabbed the glass, downed the contents, and slammed it back onto the table. "You win! Hit me again!"

Severus shivered and almost choked on his bourbon when he had a mental image of Hagrid naked.

"Thank the Goddess, I only top!" He gasped.

"OH! That's five Galleons you owe me Minerva!" Rolanda smirked as she held up her glass toward the Deputy Headmistress.

"You? Top?" Remus said as he waved his shot glass around for another pour. "I would have taken you for a greedy bottom."

There was much hooting laughter from the women and a couple guffaws from Hagrid and Filch at that moment. Severus' cheeks flushed deep red but his gaze never wavered from Remus'.

"And I supposed the Wolf demands you always top, being an Alpha!" He snapped.

"Always!" Remus answered, a low growl in his voice.

Severus leaned forward in his chair and eyed Lupin, "I'll have you know that I could have you begging for my cock up your arse."

"Sorry, Severus, but I only top!"

"Not with me you wouldn't."

"What makes YOU so special that I would forego my natural inclination, and be begging you for it?"

"Yes, oh, do tell..." One of the women commented in the background, but neither man noticed it or the accompanying sounds of agreement.

Severus leaned forward. "I've watched you, Lupin. Caught you watching me. Listening to my voice. I've even caught you ogling my... bits."

"Don't blame him. I've ogled them a time or two myself." Commented another voice from the background, followed by laughter and the clink of glass against glass.

"And I liked what I saw. But, sorry, Severus. I top--always. And a greedy bottom like yourself would be begging me to shag you into the mattress or whatever surface we could find."

"You keep asserting that I am a 'greedy bottom' as you call it. But, since I have never bottomed in my life, I fail to see from where you are gleaning your information." He sat back, arms folded, with a smug look on his face as he watched the other man.

Remus refilled both glasses and pushed Severus' back toward him. Tossing his back, he slammed the glass down and leaned toward Severus.

"Instinct. One night with me Severus, is all I need to prove my point. I guarantee it."

"An entire night? That much time, huh?" Severus snorted. "Why not just one shag? Afraid that won't be enough?"

"I never said anything about multiple shags, Severus..." His grin was almost feral, his eyes flashing in challenge, as he filled the glasses with the last of the bottle.

A dark eyebrow rose as black eyes dilated, and Severus licked his lips. One could hear a pin drop in the silence of the room. Severus downed his drink and stood in one fluid motion and spun, robes swirling.

"My rooms. Now!" He barked as he strode from the room, only the slightest hitch in his step.

Remus downed his drink, rose and strode purposefully out the door behind him, walking as straight as a drunk Were was able.

Albus slid up to the table, beckoning everyone to settle down as he pulled something from his pocket and set it on the table.

"Cards anyone? I've asked the elves to provide snacks and more beverages. Impromptu refreshments and games have been sent to the House Common Rooms. The prefects will do the patrolling tonight. I do believe we all need a night off!" He slid the deck toward Minerva. "Poker. Five Card Stud--Muggle Version. If you'd please deal, my dear."

Minerva raised her glass, "Are you wearing multiple layers of clothing again?"

~*~*~*~

Minerva and Poppy sat nursing cups of strong tea. The hangover potion had taken the edge off the worst of the symptoms, but they'd all imbibed copious amounts of alcohol last evening. Here it was lunch, and they were just beginning to feel human again. Minerva suspected there'd been more than alcohol in those bottles and she would be having words with the Headmaster later. The man seemed to be mysteriously absent today.

"Stop brooding, Min. We might be suffering right now, but we let loose a bit last evening and had a bit of fun. Albus now owes you about four hundred galleons. That's a very tidy sum for you."

"Och, 'tis true... and from the looks of those two, I've just made a few hundred more." She motioned with her cup toward the two men entering from opposite ends of the Hall.

Poppy watched them both, "You can't tell!"

"Damn them, they're both limping!"

Poppy narrowed her gaze. "I don't know... I'd say Remus is looking a tad bit smug this morning."

"I... don't...know..."

The men sat at their usual seats, at opposite ends of the table, neither saying a word. This continued for the next several days. But the rumors slowly trickled up to the staff. Rumors of how Severus was less acerbic and harsh in classes, taking less points, and even bordering on being courteous. There was a smugness apparent in both men.

This unnerved the rest of the Staff enough that they'd taken to studying the DADA Professor, in an attempt to determine just what the man possessed that had so easily smoothed some of the rough edges from the snarky Potions Professor. All they received in return was a warm smile, though there was a bit of mischief in those blue eyes.

Those wagers made that night would just have to wait for confirmation because neither man appeared to be talking anytime soon...

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"Dobby?"

"Yes, Headmaster, Sir?"

"Next week's meeting will be... strip poker, I think. Please provide the same 'special' alcoholic beverages. I think it's time Sinistra and Hooch stopped dancing around each other, don't you?"

"Oh yes, Headmaster, Sir! Dobby likes to help make the Professors happy!"

_**~finis~**_

_**... till the next meeting.. **_


End file.
